Joy comes in the morning.

I might as well tell you now. If I fail you will know of my failure, but what can I say, in memory of my daughter, I am compelled to honesty. One of my new year's resolutions is to write on my blog 10 times a month.

So here I am :)

People have asked me about how I am doing with Isabelle's loss. The answer is a beautiful thing. I am well.

God did something. He reached into my soul and he took my pain away. I still miss my baby girl, but I don't ache for her. I know that she is in a better place. I don't just believe it, I know it now, as much as I know my own name.

When it came to grieving I jumped in with both feet. My daughter was precious beyond words and there is no way for me to convey the loss that was felt in the Hug home when she died. But now I don't feel that loss so much. I feel, even as it was prayed, that my soul has an anchor in heaven. Our daughter is still a part of our family. She lives, not only in my heart, but something more. She is real, even if I can't see her now or talk to her, I believe she lives in spirit and I can sense something of that spirit in our family. Maybe this sounds weird to you. Even if I never give birth to another girl, I won't have only been the mother of boys. I have a daughter.


Part of this healing and crossing over from mourning to joy came about at the ladies retreat I went to in November. I meant to write about it but never got around to it. First of all, it was just awesome and amazing. Thank you, Kim! Being among those ladies sort of reminded me of a beautiful bouquet of flowers. Each so different in their own hue, but each so lovely. Carol read a poem about women warriors that she wrote that really captured what I was feeling. It is such a privilege to be surrounded by these sisters in Christ. All of these women had been through so much, and each had so much to give in their own way.

I was really ministered to hearing from Michelle, who has lost a son, and getting to have a vision of him worshipping and laughing at the feet of Jesus. Also talking with Michelle, she said something to the effect of, "People who have died and are with Jesus can't touch our suffering or sadness." It just then somehow dawned on me that Isabelle was truly at peace.

Earlier when I had a vision of Isabelle dancing with Jesus, I was almost miffed because she didn't seem to miss me in the least. (Selfish, I know, but we moms like to think that we are special and that our kids miss us when we are away from them.) After talking with Michelle, I realized that Isabelle couldn't miss being with me because she was not capable of feeling painful feelings now, she was with Jesus, where there are no more tears. Plus I think I begun to understand that she isn't separated from me the way I am from her. I think that she is in that great cloud of witnesses along with my praying grandmothers.

Anyhow, if it weren't for all the prayers and unconditional love you all have sent my way in the past months, I have no doubt that I would still be wallowing in a puddle of self pity. But God has been gracious to me. He has surrounded me by more love than I could ever deserve. Really, I can't think about so many of you without crying. Kristina, for the flowers that arrived after I thought everyone might have forgotten, Miss Noreen for giving me permission to take all the time I needed, Naphtali, for the sincere note mom-to-mom. Meghan, Sarah, Misty, for encouraging me and telling me I'm a great mom even when I feel like crap. Those who had lost someone dear to them and shared from a deep well of compassion. To all of you and so many more I owe my sanity. God must have known I was needy and so he sent an entire troupe to pour into my life during this season. Thank you friends. God healed my heart but He did it through the hands of people. He seems to enjoy doing that.