A question
But Samuel replied: "Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as
much as in obeying the voice of the LORD? To obey is better than sacrifice, and
to heed is better than the fat of rams.
New Living Translation (©2007) I Sam 15:22
I've often heard "To obey is better than sacrifice." I've often been puzzled by that, because it seems to me that to obey is sacrifice. It's not merely a sacrifice of rams, or something that you possess. It's a sacrifice of your will- something you are.
I don't know where to begin this post without causing myself to break into weeping. By now you probably know that I have a bent toward the dramatic, so I might as well jump in and break into weeping. I sense the Lord speaking to my heart that I should send Joe to school.
Now for some of you that may not seem like a big deal. For me it's earth shattering. I can't place my finger on what is troubling me the most: my disdain for the public school system or the fact that I will have to send my son away for hours every day. They both are pretty traumatizing to me.
I like my eldest son a lot. I think he may, in fact, be one of the coolest people on the planet. To raise him has been a privilege of the highest caliber. He's smart, he's funny, he's sincere. He's pretty much up at the top in the running for my favorite people of all time. I had known before I had children that we would home school them. Titus was home schooled. I was home schooled. We didn't even talk about it as a couple, it was just assumed.
I have a penchant toward avoiding systems as well. I sort of hate them. I understand that sometimes they are necessary, but I'm not a big fan. I like freedom. I value independence. I don't like being told what to do. Ouch.
So I planned to do my own thing. I looked into a school co-op through the public school and I decided it was not for me. Too much control. So, we walked away. Then God kept tugging at my heart that Joe needed to go to school. I tried to resist the devil, just in case I was hearing the wrong voice, but I know that I am God's. I am his sheep and his sheep hear his voice. Darn!
I have not registered my son yet. I haven't been able to stop crying for long enough to do so. I keep asking God what this is about. It would be so much easier if I had a reason why. But who knows, maybe my son isn't even the reason (I have a feeling he is going to thrive wherever he is). Maybe it is about a certain person learning not to hold the reigns so tightly. Learning to trust in the unquenchable love a Divine someone who cares radically more about her and her family than she could ever imagine.
I just wanted to share this struggle, that is so personal and close to my heart, and also of which the outcome is still unknown. I wanted to share because I thought maybe some of you are having the same struggle. Who knows, maybe God is telling you NOT to send your kids to school. I don't know. Maybe he is telling you to change jobs, let a business go, move to a new place.
The point is this, so long we spend thinking that we are the one who is holding things together. We think that our life rests in our hands. Well one can argue determinism or free will until the cows come home, but the real point is that we come to the place where we recognize whose hands hold all things. He covers us with his wings, we find rest in his presence. When we can give up whatever we hold on to and trust that we are being held, we find the peace that passes understanding.
I'm way past my understanding here. It's a good thing that that's where grace lives. It is found once we exit the land of our own ability, strength and knowledge. I'm not sure if I like it here yet. It's a little too deep and I'm still learning how to swim.
New Living Translation (©2007) I Sam 15:22
I've often heard "To obey is better than sacrifice." I've often been puzzled by that, because it seems to me that to obey is sacrifice. It's not merely a sacrifice of rams, or something that you possess. It's a sacrifice of your will- something you are.
I don't know where to begin this post without causing myself to break into weeping. By now you probably know that I have a bent toward the dramatic, so I might as well jump in and break into weeping. I sense the Lord speaking to my heart that I should send Joe to school.
Now for some of you that may not seem like a big deal. For me it's earth shattering. I can't place my finger on what is troubling me the most: my disdain for the public school system or the fact that I will have to send my son away for hours every day. They both are pretty traumatizing to me.
I like my eldest son a lot. I think he may, in fact, be one of the coolest people on the planet. To raise him has been a privilege of the highest caliber. He's smart, he's funny, he's sincere. He's pretty much up at the top in the running for my favorite people of all time. I had known before I had children that we would home school them. Titus was home schooled. I was home schooled. We didn't even talk about it as a couple, it was just assumed.
I have a penchant toward avoiding systems as well. I sort of hate them. I understand that sometimes they are necessary, but I'm not a big fan. I like freedom. I value independence. I don't like being told what to do. Ouch.
So I planned to do my own thing. I looked into a school co-op through the public school and I decided it was not for me. Too much control. So, we walked away. Then God kept tugging at my heart that Joe needed to go to school. I tried to resist the devil, just in case I was hearing the wrong voice, but I know that I am God's. I am his sheep and his sheep hear his voice. Darn!
I have not registered my son yet. I haven't been able to stop crying for long enough to do so. I keep asking God what this is about. It would be so much easier if I had a reason why. But who knows, maybe my son isn't even the reason (I have a feeling he is going to thrive wherever he is). Maybe it is about a certain person learning not to hold the reigns so tightly. Learning to trust in the unquenchable love a Divine someone who cares radically more about her and her family than she could ever imagine.
I just wanted to share this struggle, that is so personal and close to my heart, and also of which the outcome is still unknown. I wanted to share because I thought maybe some of you are having the same struggle. Who knows, maybe God is telling you NOT to send your kids to school. I don't know. Maybe he is telling you to change jobs, let a business go, move to a new place.
The point is this, so long we spend thinking that we are the one who is holding things together. We think that our life rests in our hands. Well one can argue determinism or free will until the cows come home, but the real point is that we come to the place where we recognize whose hands hold all things. He covers us with his wings, we find rest in his presence. When we can give up whatever we hold on to and trust that we are being held, we find the peace that passes understanding.
I'm way past my understanding here. It's a good thing that that's where grace lives. It is found once we exit the land of our own ability, strength and knowledge. I'm not sure if I like it here yet. It's a little too deep and I'm still learning how to swim.
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