He loves me.

Reading puts me to sleep too.

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Why do we hate being vulnerable? I don't know. Maybe because we are afraid of getting hurt. This reminds me of a story, "The marital episode of the earwax". Don't let me forget, I am going to share that one with you in a future blog. It is every bit as interesting as it sounds.

My current point is, well I don't know if I have a point yet. That is why I start writing, it helps me find my way to get to my thoughts.

Let me share with you my struggle.

I feel fat, ugly and worthless.

This is ridiculous. I know it. You know it. Anyone with two brain cells to scratch together can see what a wonderful, valuable person I am.

The problem is, so often I realize that I have lost my compass. Today is one of those days. See in my head I believe, and truly know that I am a daughter of God. I am valued because of who He made me to be. I was valuable enough that the very son of God would step down from heaven to become a man, suffer shame, and die to redeem me. See, priceless?

In the midst of this powerful truth, I sometimes forget. I see beautiful people, polished and pretty and I feel ugly. I see qualified people, accomplishing many things, then I look at myself, unable to keep my floors clean for more than 15 minutes, and I feel worthless. Me, an intelligent, seemingly secure woman, sees a woman in front of me who actually looks good in spandex, and somehow I feel my value crumbling. I have a fat face, I grow more moles every year, I cannot for the life of me manage to organize the wardrobe of my family, and in my pregnant state I cannot even do the laundry without breaking into tears.

The reason I even share this is because I want to expose the lie. Yes, I have believed it. I have been sucked in by a culture that values how look, what you do, and your list of accomplishments more that who you are. This is my effort to route out those lies.

Speaking of being vulnerable, that's what I had to do. I had to confess to my husband how I feel like such a failure, not even worthy of love. After all, I'm too tired to cook him dinner, clean the house, pretty much anything. There it was, the truth. Could he still love me? Even though I feel I don't have much to offer right now? Yes. Yes, he does. Not surprisingly, like our heavenly Father, his love is not conditional.

God is trying to teach me a lesson, but I am a slow learner. I really want to be something special. I want to be worthy of the love I receive. Ha. Perhaps if I let down my guard long enough to receive that love, I will realize that worthiness has nothing to do with it.

Just after we had rushed to church (daylight savings time) I was feeling quite disheveled, pregnant and inadequate as I headed in with all the other shiny church-goers. Then during worship God spoke to me through my rambunctious three year old. Judah asked to be picked up. As I held his little self in front of me, he looked me in the eye and said, "Mommy, you're beautiful." I smiled. He continued, "Mommy, you're a princess." I smiled and he gave me a ridiculously charming face and said, "Mommy, I'm talking to you. You're a princess." Then before you know it, my squirmy three year old was back, wiggling down to the floor and wanting to use the worship flags to sword fight.

I think sometimes children have it right. They don't feel the need to prove something in order to be loved. They just ask for love and receive it. In fact, they expect it, they see it as a given that they are cute, sweet, and should be loved. I'm learning to remember that I am my Papa's little princess. Fat and moley or no, I'm cute, precious, and he loves me.

"This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins." 1 John 4:10