Real Marriage - 30 Days of Authenticity Day #5
1) Begin with the end in mind.
I, being a dreamer, love the idea of vision. In a (hopefully) longterm relationship vision is necessary to see where you are going. If you are not both pointing your life in the same direction you will grow apart. As much as I love vision statements, Titus and I have never crafted one for our family. We probably should. Then we could put it on a placard on the wall. In the meantime we both know where we are headed, toward a life of radical abandon to God and given in the love and service of people.
2) Get in your 10%
Another piece of great info from Danny Silk in his relationship series is to go into your 10%. What this looks like for me is, "Have sex with your husband, often, especially when you don't feel like it." What this looks like for my husband is, "Listen attentively to your wife talk about her feelings, often, especially when you don't feel like it." We are wired to care 90% about something in a relationship and another area we only value 10%. Usually this 90% for men is sex and for women is intimate communication. But God gave us our partner so we could each inspire each other to dig into that area that is naturally less important to us. It's part of God's plan - so embrace it and let your spouse challenge you.
3) Don't Give Up
Scripture tells us not to grow weary in well-doing. It wouldn't tell us that if there was no temptation to grow weary. I was lucky to grow up watching generations in my family model what it means to commit your life to someone and stick with them even when the going gets tough. A lot of my friends were not so lucky. When it comes to staying married, I was encouraged reading a book called, "The case for Marriage". It had a lot of statistics, some that stick with me are the numbers on happiness. Something like over 2/3 of people who were highly unhappy in their marriage when first questioned, but stayed married, moved up significantly in happiness when they were questioned 5 years later. Most of those who were unhappy at first and left their marriage were just as unhappy 5 years later. So getting a divorce did not tend to make people happier, while staying married did. (I think the study took into account abuse and addiction and affairs and didn't have those involved in the people they questioned. There is no way you should stay when abuse is going on, ect)
4)Be a team
I love the phrase Dr Phil used to use. He would say something like, "How would it feel to have your spouse be your soft place to land?" and then the people would break down crying. Every time. What would it be like to know that when you fell, there would be someone to catch you? It would feel amazing. It would be empowering to know that someone was always there in your corner, cheering you on. That's why Dr. Phil asked that question and got such profound responses. Sometimes I hear a wife publicly criticize or mock her husband. This makes me shutter. If you really think your husband is an idiot - you married him, what does that make you? I have been guilty of teasing or correcting my husband in public, especially in the first few years of marriage. I was shocked when he revealed to me how small that made him feel. I didn't realize my words and opinions were so IMPORTANT!
5) Let it go.
Hmm, this brings a song to mind. Anyhow, the truth is we women can be the worst at this. One example of my personal failure is holidays. I am overly sentimental and special days mean a lot to me. I also am fluent in all the 5 love languages so when it comes to say, my birthday, I expect my husband to take the day off to spend lots of time with me, buy me thoughtful gifts, write me a card with meaningful words, provide excessive snuggles and spend the entire day serving me. As you can see this is a big list, one which I did not fully disclose before we were married (Who knows if he would have said yes to that!). There was one particular holiday that came and went with nary a card. Tears were shed, pain was felt. Then came another holiday with a similar outcome. Eventually, my husband was not dealing with a single day, but every time a holiday came, I would haul out my entire arsenal of failed holidays and confront him with his failures for the last several years. This was not helpful. We need to forgive and let go.
6) Ask For what you need.
This is the continuation of the tale of holiday woe. Finally I learned that I need to specifically ask my husband, in advance, for what I want. If you watch any movies, you know that this is not what happens. The man just KNOWS. It's so romantic. He finds the hidden chambers of your heart with out you ever having to provide him a map. It's amazing. Real marriage is not like that. There are probably some romantic men buying their wives flowers, all the while their women may be thinking, "Gee, I wish he would have saved the money and bought that new tub fixture." or "I hate flowers, where's my 1 hour massage?" The point is men need help. They don't need yelling, whining, complaining, passive-aggressive brooding or "hrummfffffffffff"ing around the house. They need us to be honest, use simple words, spoken in kindness and often repeated. This year my husband made me cry on Valentines Day, only this time it was tears of joy, it only took 13 years to get there.
7) Harness the power of the tongue.
I realize there is more than one way I could go with this title. What I want to talk about is the Proverb that says, "The power of life and death is in the tongue and those who love it will eat its fruit." We are the gatekeepers for our home. We have the power to make it a refuge of life and peace or a habitat of derision and dishonor. I am continually failing in this area and having to make corrections. It's so hard! But I can tell you from experience the first place that reveals the fruit of your words is your marriage. Speak to your husband like he is royalty and watch him respond like a king. Talk to him like he is a little boy, and don't be surprised if he acts like one. Our words are SO powerful.
8)Know your source
If you are looking for your spouse to make you happy, tell you who you are and give you meaning in life you will be sadly disappointed. God is the author and perfecter of our faith. He is the one from who all blessings flow. He is the one who will NEVER leave us or forsake us. It's so important to have our life rooted in Jesus, because when our spouse lets us down, hurts us or rejects us, there is one who cares. Jehovah God, I Am, creator of the earth, God Almighty, he loves us even in our weakness and brokenness. He sees every tear we cry, even the ones shed while hiding in the bathtub or in a heap among the clothes on the closet floor. That is pretty incredible.
9) Value the treasure you have been given
There is nothing that can steal joy faster than comparison. My husband is not naturally inclined to do the dishes. He usually does them semi-annually. I know a lot of husbands who do dishes. That is great. It is not great if I start getting upset because my husband doesn't. If it was really important to me I could talk to him about it and ask him to do more dishes. But then I think about what my husband does do : Rise before dawn, work all day, work more on weekends or evenings helping customers, change poopy diapers, bake cookies, fix broken things, train boys, help others, be a friend, take time for me, watch kids so I can escape, tidy house, put kids to bed, read stories, make cakes, family outings, make me laugh, church, go to the gym, the list goes on. I could easily lose sight of the treasure I have in my man if I focus on what he is not. Find what is unique about your man and value those things.
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