Deep Breathing
I just wanted to record for posterity my feelings. This is so much harder than I remember. That is why I want to record that fact, so if I ever am pregnant again I can remember that the hardness isn't forever, it passes like the changing of seasons.
At 35 weeks pregnant, I am weary. My mothering has dropped to a 2 (on a scale of one to ten) and my housekeeping, cooking, and being a contributing member of society, ect is at a good solid 0. I think that is one of the reason this time of weakness is so hard on me, it reveals the performance mindset that has been lurking in my heart all along.
I say that my value is in who I am in Christ, but I don't often have cause to test that. I have the honor of getting to do valuable things as well. I care for helpless people. That's pretty noble right? I serve my family. I serve other families in our church and school. I help people manage their investments and meet their housing needs through my real estate work. I do a lot of things. At least I used to.
Now, I am helpless. Today I had to sit down while I was brushing my teeth because I was too exhausted to stand for that long. The thought of doing almost anything makes me want to break down in tears. If I go up a flight of stairs I have to sit down for a 5 min rest. I just want to cry. And take a nap.
My children are not getting the best out of me as a mother and I can barely handle them. They are loud, they are needy, they crowd my space.
In short, I find I am in need of a Savior.
My faith is tested as I am faced with the decision to believe I am a radically loved and valuable daughter even if I can't make dinner, clean the house, or be a good mom. It's not as easy as it sounds. Resting in the love of God, apart from our performance, can really be a challenge for some of us. I am glad that God gives grace to the humble. It is enough.
I like to remind myself in a Dori like voice, that I can take a deep breath and "just keep breathing, just keep breathing, just keep breathing."
At 35 weeks pregnant, I am weary. My mothering has dropped to a 2 (on a scale of one to ten) and my housekeeping, cooking, and being a contributing member of society, ect is at a good solid 0. I think that is one of the reason this time of weakness is so hard on me, it reveals the performance mindset that has been lurking in my heart all along.
I say that my value is in who I am in Christ, but I don't often have cause to test that. I have the honor of getting to do valuable things as well. I care for helpless people. That's pretty noble right? I serve my family. I serve other families in our church and school. I help people manage their investments and meet their housing needs through my real estate work. I do a lot of things. At least I used to.
Now, I am helpless. Today I had to sit down while I was brushing my teeth because I was too exhausted to stand for that long. The thought of doing almost anything makes me want to break down in tears. If I go up a flight of stairs I have to sit down for a 5 min rest. I just want to cry. And take a nap.
My children are not getting the best out of me as a mother and I can barely handle them. They are loud, they are needy, they crowd my space.
In short, I find I am in need of a Savior.
My faith is tested as I am faced with the decision to believe I am a radically loved and valuable daughter even if I can't make dinner, clean the house, or be a good mom. It's not as easy as it sounds. Resting in the love of God, apart from our performance, can really be a challenge for some of us. I am glad that God gives grace to the humble. It is enough.
I like to remind myself in a Dori like voice, that I can take a deep breath and "just keep breathing, just keep breathing, just keep breathing."
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