Headaches, Heartburn and Hemorrhoids

Some days, recently, most days, I have to talk to myself. This is weird, because one would think I would be naturally happy, jumping forth with glee. In fact, I myself thought I would feel ecstatic at having a beautiful home after being homeless. But that has not been the case. That is why I have to talk to myself.

 

If I just allow the feelings and thoughts that seem to come naturally to overtake me, things are not so good. So I have to be willful. I have to choose thankfulness. Funny, I knew that having a new house would not change that, and it hasn't.

 

I am tired. I feel as large as a barge. I feel grumpy. I have trouble breathing. I see an entire house full of stuff that needs to be done and I have no strength to do it. I barely have strength to keep the children alive. I have wonderful friends who have volunteered to help and I don't even have the energy to coordinate them to help me.

 

Pregnancy symptoms seem daunting, people's problems seem overwhelming, troubles that those I love are facing are more than I can bear.

 

That is why I have to talk to myself. I have to tell myself that I do not have to bear these burdens. I have to cast them unto the shoulders of one who is stronger than I.

 

I have to tell myself that physical trials are temporary, emotional pain will not last forever.

 

I have to remind myself that there is one who sits on the throne and none of these troubles is a big deal for him. He has conquered death, defeated the grave. This all powerful maker of the universe holds me in his hands. When I am too weak to do all the things I wish I could, he is strong. Every thing good in my life is from him and he only desires good for me.

 

He hems me in before and behind. He holds my tears. He knows my inadequacies and he loves me just the same. He knows my timid heart fears change and yet he challenges me to venture with him into the unknown, to have faith and to live boldly. He knows my deepest desire is to live a life lost radically in love with him, not one that is governed by the fear of pain, hardship or failure.

 

He knows, and is teaching me, that all these things that feel like pain, bitterness and discomfort are really only stepping stones to greatness if I chose to let them mold me, instead of hold me. 

So I chose to wrap myself in his grace, knowing that where I go I do not go alone. 

 

Knowing that I have the God of the universe beside me, one who conquered death and bought my ransom with me, and the same spirit that raised Jesus from the dead inside of me fills me with power. It gives me the strength to worship from the broken places, speak words of life when all I see is death, and believe for a wildly hopeful future. 

 

So, I tell myself:

 

Your God shall provide for all of your needs according to his riches in Glory.

Greater is he that is in you than he that is in the world.

I do not consider that these light and momentary trials are worth comparing to the glory that will be revealed in you. 

No weapon formed against you shall prosper. 

Old things have passed away and all things are being made new

Bless the Lord of my soul and forgot not all of His benefits - He forgives all yours sins, heals all your diseases, redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion.