Such and whatnot

I know this isn't really necessary, but somehow I feel I need to excuse everyone from reading my blog :) I mean, from feeling like you have to read it. I know you don't because if you did you wouldn't. Right? ;0)



I guess what I am trying to do is warn you that if you do continue to read my blog you may be in for some self indulgent, self focused and sad material, at least for a few months or so. Consider yourselves warned.



I was reading in this really helpful little grief manual from the hospital that grieving is a very selfish process, but that is okay, even necessary. When I was relaying this information to my husband he replied, "That must be why you are so good at it." :)

Good Stuff from 2 Corinthians 4
7But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. 12So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
13It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken."[b]With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, 14because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence. 15All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.
16Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal

These parts in bold ministered to me. I am completely perplexed - I do not understand- but I am not in despair. I have great hope in life and in death, my faith is in Jesus. And it is so important for me to remember to fix my eyes on what is unseen. There is so much more to my story than I can know. I know that God is working out that outweighing eternal glory. There is so much hope and peace in that.

That is not to say that it is not painful. In fact, I am learning that there are more kinds of tears in the grieving process than I could have imagined. There are the silent tears that slip from your eyelids as you drive home from the hospital and see the wind blowing through the trees at the park and realize that you will never get to take your daughter to that park to play. There are the sincere, gentle shoulder shaking tears that are shared at church when you hold your friends and cry with them, mourning the loss of so many plans you had together. There are the tears you have in bed when you lie in the arms of your husband and weep together for a daughter you never got to know. Then there is a new kind of crying that I first felt today that sometimes is even beyond tears. When you lie in the bathtub and bellow to the core of your being to God with cries so loud that no tears come, only heartache and anguish that you should have been there with your little girl on your lap, rinsing her soft little head in the warm water.

It's funny to me that I am always so timid about having a new baby. I am worried that I won't have the capacity to love another as much as I love the ones I have already. I feel that my heart is full, and maybe there is no room to love another. I felt this way before Judah was born, but as soon as I saw him, the idiocy of that thinking was revealed. I was completely in love. Somehow my heart had stretched - there was definitely no shortage of space in my heart.

Yet, even though I had been through this before, I still felt the same way this time. I thought, I know I have 2 of the greatest boys in the world who I adore, but what if it's not the same with a girl. What if I've finally used up all the space in my heart? Well, as soon as Isabelle was born I realized that my heart had been growing silently inside me for all those nine months. It had been stretched each time I felt a little kick and heard that little heartbeat. It had swollen as I thought of my boys being protective big brothers. The more pink, ruffly items that came into the house the more my heart kept expanding with love and excitement for this precious child. Without me knowing it my heart had multiplied.

Then all of a sudden my dreams came crashing to the ground. In a moment I realized that as I looked at my still and silent newborn, my heart was caving in on itself. It is an avalanche of grief and I'm not exactly sure where the damage will end. I never even knew the extent of the niche Isabelle had carved into the walls of my heart, for she did it so sweetly, so quietly.

Now that I have found this concave space inside of me, I know it will have to be filled. It will be filled the same way it was formed - gradually. But instead of one tiny being, it has already started to be filled by - might I say it- hundreds of people. It is being filled with love. This love comes from on high, but it comes in many forms. It comes in packages of all sizes, boxes of enchiladas, bags of cookies, tupperwares of taco soup. It comes in vibrant colors of pink, red and yellow, in fragrant flowers. It comes in soft lumpy and tall bony packages shaped just like hugs. It comes in salty, liquid form poured out from the eyes and hearts of so many dear people. It comes by email, text, and voice message. It comes the old fashioned way, in the mail, written on paper by hand. It comes by airplane, by phone wire, and by post. It comes to your door unexpectedly. It is the arms of God and you recognize it as the body of Christ, even though it often looks alot more like your mom coming over to do the dishes or your friends calling to make sure you are okay. And I am. I am okay.