Isabelle Lorraine

Our precious little girl was born on Saturday morning, September 26th at 7:35 am. She weighed 7 lbs 3 oz and measured 17 1/4. We named her Isabelle Lorraine Hug. She was beautiful. Unfortunately she was not alive.

I had started having contractions around noon on Friday. They continued steadily throughout the evening and gained intensity during the night. Even though the contractions continued to be oddly sporadic and had slowed to up to 15 minutes apart, they were HARD. Around 2 in the morning I had all I could take and started crying and told Titus I was going to the hospital with or without him. When I was talking to the nurse on the phone she almost sent me home until the contractions were closer together. Then she heard me having a contraction and told me to come on in. She also asked if I was feeling the baby move, and once she mentioned it I realized I hadn't been, at least I couldn't be sure. When we got there I was already dilated to 8.

I knew that something was wrong as soon as the nurse went to put on the fetal monitor and couldn't find a heart beat. She was silent as she rubbed the monitor all over my belly. We waited for the Dr to come in with the ultrasound machine, but I think I already knew then. It's usually pretty easy to find the intense heartbeat of a baby during labor. It was surreal, like watching the whole experience unfold on TV. I still don't think I grasp that this is my reality.

After that, I took all the drugs I could get, which slowed labor a little. I got stuck at that same 8 cm for about 3 hours. They put me on pit. Finally they cathetered me and that seemed to do the trick. I was fully dilated and ready to push within 5 minutes. Although I was really nervous about pushing out a baby I knew wasn't alive, it went really well. My cheerleaders (Dr, nurse, Kaarene and Titus) were great and the baby was out in 2 contractions with less than 5 minutes of pushing.

Floods of love that I didn't even know I had for this little girl rushed out. She was so precious. I had carried her for nine months within myself . She was my first born daughter. I felt so staggeringly privileged. It was an honor to carry her, to be her mother. I was so overwhelmed with gratitude for this child that I never got to know. Strange, I know, but that is what I felt. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Jesus for this precious life. I think this is grace.

We don't know what went wrong. I had an ultrasound the previous Friday (one week before) and everything was fine. We may learn something from the placenta. The Dr. thinks it may have to do with blood issues, the same reason they had me on blood thinners with Joe. In all likely hood we will never know what the reason was. She was fine one Friday and dead the next. Looking back, I know now that she wasn't moving for several days. I was just so busy, and I was having some weird contractions, which I convinced myself were her moving. They weren't.

This is weird. I never ever ever expected this to happen to me. I mean, I was past all the critical landmarks 12 weeks, 20 weeks, 35 weeks. I had a full term, apparently healthy baby girl in my tummy. But something happened. I don't know what. If I waste my time asking why I will go insane. I just know that she is in the arms of our heavenly father. I really feel every one's prayers and support. Like I mean I actually FEEL it like a tangible thing holding me up. Please keep us in your prayers, as I will need help as I learn how to grieve for my baby daughter. I miss her down to the core of my being.

We are planning to get a plot and bury her in a special grave site "for innocents" that is for babies and toddlers and has a statue of Jesus surrounded by little children. I told Titus that I didn't think I could bear the thought of her being cremated, maybe that's just me, but I'm a tender bear. I also thought it would be meaningful for me to have a place I could visit and remember her. Maybe it's weird that I feel so much for this baby, seeing as we never even got to see her smile. Although I know it is painful at anytime, this hits me so much harder than our other miscarriages in earlier stages of pregnancy. I was so looking forward to meeting Isabelle and calling her Baby Belle. I'm just going to have to wait a while longer.

When thinking of burying her I immediately thought of a box Titus built me about 8 years ago, when we were first married. It was sort of a running joke because he had made me this special memory box out of wood, but because he decided to utilize all his nice wood, the dimensions turned out to look to me exactly like a baby casket. After he had spent hours crafting this specially made box for me, I had to work up the courage to tell him that all I could think of when I saw it was a baby coffin. Well it seems to be prophetic. When we pulled the box out of storage today I saw the note he gave me with it.

On the front it says, "To My Princess" on the inside it says, "This box was built to hold your most precious treasures and memories. I love you so much. (smoochy nickname that I will spare you) Titus" What could be more precious than my first daughter?

Also, Isabelle shares a birthday with Judah. Today we celebrated Isabelle's birthday and Judah's second birthday. I sense the timing of the Lord in the way that events unfolded. I will never forget my precious daughter and will be reminded as I celebrate my beautiful son every year that I have a beautiful daughter in heaven who I can't wait to meet. Also, our Dr. who delivered both the boys, happened to be on call. He is a Christian and a really great Dr and it was a real comfort to have him there. Also Titus' mom and two brothers and wife and baby were in town for two separate events. It was so easy to leave knowing they were here with the boys and so comforting to have more family go through this difficult experience with us.

Plus we found out before we had the baby shower, which is good. I think it would have been even harder if I had oodles of darling girl stuff that I wouldn't get to use.

The chaplain at the hospital recommended that we consider having a funeral or memorial service for her. I know none of us got the chance we were waiting for to meet her, but we would like to remember her little life. We are considering this and will let you know what we decide.

As I write this through eyes that see through slits due to crying induced puffiness, I don't know what the days to come will hold. But because of the hope I have in Christ I know it will be good. I expect the near future will be a trying and tear filled couple of weeks. Thank you again for your prayers, love and support.