Humility and Idols: A Birthing Tale

I've given birth six times. The first 5 times I had the aid of an epidural. Every time I regretted it afterword.

I would pray to God for a pain-free, natural labor. But every time I was induced. I also felt that somehow made me less of a mother. Granted, I would never have told you that, it sounds fundamentally loony to say it out loud. But I still felt it. There were other, better, more natural, mothers who were stronger than me. They didn't need help.

This time, again I asked God for a natural labor and He told me no. He told me that not having an epidural was a idol to me. I was trying to prove something. (Isn't that the thing about an idol - it's a little something you want to do on the side over here. I don't need you God - I've got this little something over here to make me feel good. It's a little something I can control. Maybe it's a golden calf - or maybe it's some human effort I want to attain to so I can wear it like an invisible badge of honor).  I was wanting to be a little stronger on my own, without Him.

So I repented. I told God he was right. (I'm sure this was a big surprise to him).  It was only his grace holding me up, his strength. It was not going to be my ability to obtain a natural childbirth that would allow me to grow as a mother, it was only his grace. Nothing but his grace..

With this in mind I repented of comparison and asked him to bless the birth but accepted that in my weak and frail state, I would need an epidural. I told the nurse when we arrived that I was planning on one, I told the anesthesiologist the same thing.

Imagine my surprise when I delivered my baby without an epidural. Six times I had asked for the drugs but they never came.

Our nurse changed out in the middle of her shift. Our new nurse was amazing. She said we could move around, walk and even get in the Jacuzzi tub while on a pit iv. She let us go really slow on the pit instead of cranking it up every half hour. She only turned it up once.

She kept making comments that confused me when I started asking for an epidural. In the beginning it was things like, "I only want to help you do what you want.", "How bout we get in the tub first to see if that helps." or, "Would you like me to give you ten more minutes?" Then she suggested, "How bout if we wait till the next contraction and then we will check you?" And then later, "can you get on your hands and knees to see if that helps move things faster?" And pretty soon, " I don't think you will have time for an epidural, you are almost ready to push. ( as I write this I can feel my blood pressure rising- this was stressful stuff)

I think I was in shock. This nurse seemed to know in my heart of hearts I didn't want the epidural. But I had not said that. Either God spoke to her about my deepest desires or she confused me with a lady down the hall. That poor lady probably got the epidural. (And she's probably feeling bad about it when she should be thanking me. ;))

I'm writing all this to share with you about that thief of joy - comparison . Because with a measuring mindset I can still find my weakness- I had only a 8lb  4oz baby- don't know if I could have birthed am 11 pounder. Or this was number six. 2 hours active labor and 1 contraction worth of pushing. Don't know if I could have done that 20 hour labor and 3 hrs pushing without an epidural. 

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I'm finally publishing the above birth story 2 years later, as the kickoff to a month of blogging in October.

Sometimes it takes a while to get around to finishing things when you are a busy mom. It has also taken me a long time to come around to the idea that comparison in my life is a toxin that must be rooted out.

This month I hope to write more about that very idea, about freedom to love who God has made us to be. To find His joy as our strength, not our abilities. 

And since God has made me to be a mother. I shared this story with you first. Better late than never.