Keep on Keeping on

Wow, what a day. I am overwhelmed. I have been shocked by the magnitude of emotions I have gone through in dealing with the loss of this daughter I never knew. I mean, I never knew her, yet my heart aches for her everyday. How can this be?

I went to visit Isabelle's grave today, almost a month after we learned of her death. Her gravestone came in and I am pleased with how it turned out. I brought her a little pumpkin so she won't miss out on having a pumpkin for Halloween. I walked along the grave stones and I cried. The amount of heartbreak that was represented in that little cemetery for innocent ones was staggering. I couldn't help but to weep for all parents I didn't know who had to say goodbye to their little ones; brand new babies, 3 year olds, 7 year olds. I wanted to shake my fist at God and say "WHY?". All those precious little ones. But I know His heart aches too. He knows the pain there is in the death of a child. And to steal Tom Hanks line from Sleepless in Seattle, "If we ask ourselves why we'll just go crazy."

Lately I have wondered if I would have preferred if this whole experience never happened. Not that it would matter, because I'm not God and I can't go back and change anything, even if I wanted to. Nonetheless, I have wondered, would I have chosen to avoid this pain if I could? Would I wish that fate full meeting of sperm and egg that happened all those nights ago would have just never happened? Would I chose to undue the hands of time and go back and rewrite history?

I wouldn't have had to spend months on the couch in sickness. I would have been more free to go on vacation, go biking, tubing, drink wine on special occasions. I wouldn't have gained lots of weight, sent my body on an emotional roller coaster, battled heartburn, constipation, puffiness and exhaustion. I would have been more comfortable, more free. Most of all, my heart wouldn't have had to break into a million little pieces. I wouldn't find myself looking at the shattered fragments surrounding me and wonder what had become of my heart.

But given the choice, I wouldn't change anything. Not even for one second would I consider it. I wouldn't trade the feeling of those little kicks inside my belly, that alien feeling when my whole stomach seemed to be turning inside out as my baby girl repositioned herself. I wouldn't trade those sleepless uncomfortable nights when she kept me awake. We alone were up, just her and I while the rest of the world seemed peacefully unaware. I wouldn't trade having to be chastised by my 3 year old as he would continually remind me of what food the baby did and did not like me to eat. (according to Joe she preferred salad to coffee).

I wouldn't trade seeing her heart beating on the ultrasound and hearing the ultrasound technician calling her and "exhibitionist" because she kept freely showing us between her legs, while we never did manage to get a profile photo of her. I wouldn't trade the awesome privilege of being her mother for anything in all the world.

Softly, she tread across the pathway of my heart and it's landscape will never be the same. I am a different person now, because she was my daughter. I was changed forever by my Baby Belle. Such a small girl yet she made such a lasting impression.