Scenes from a life of joy and chaos

October 12, 2009

Scenes from a life of joy and chaos

Today, October 12th, was Isabelle's due date. I felt sort of alarmed that I went through the entire weekend without crying. I got misty eyed on about 4 occasions and actually shed a tear on two more. But I didn't actually cry. But now I cry. The flowers shown above were sent from my Dr's office. They are even more beautiful in person. After almost two weeks they are beginning to die. The crazy thing is that their fragrance is intoxicating now. It's a heady, lovely aroma that reminds me of springtime and sunshine. It's stronger now than it ever was before.

The key is not to take life too seriously. After all, we never know how much time we have. Take Mr. Bear for example:

I like God. He's just really really good. He keeps reminding me of that. I was thinking about life. Someone who was praying for us at Isabelle's memorial said something about a new "richness" that God was going to add to our lives as a result of Isabelle's life and death. I feel that is happening in my heart. It is an appreciation for life and a desire to take hold of all of which God has prepared for and promised us. It is a depth of yearning for life, like taking a hold of dark rich soil and holding it in your hand as the promise of springtime. It is taking a deep breath of cold autumn air and feeling alive. I just know there is so much. Time is precious, I want to take it slow. Time is limited, I want to make the most of each moment. I want to honor my daughter.

I was talking to a friend awhile back. We were discussing how life with people (children specifically) was really messy, but worth the mess. This is true with all people. Relationships can be insanely difficult. People bring their messes with them wherever they go. In the case of children, this affects your house quite directly. My house is continually a mess but I wouldn't say it's filthy. That is because of a constant effort on behalf of myself and my husband. Our house is always being cleaned, but it's still a mess. That is life.

Participating fully in life is nothing less than dangerous. Look at us, going along, expecting and hoping to embrace life to the fullest, bringing new life into the world. Something unexpected happened. We don't know why. That is the risk of living in an imperfect world. Now we have a choice, we've always had a choice. Do we shrink back from hope, purpose and pursuit because of the pain? No, that's not what we want. We want to walk through the valley with Jesus, clinging ever nearer in his embrace. We want to remember that he makes beauty from ashes. He alone turns our hurt into something beautiful. He is a Master. We are his masterpiece.

I put this picture of me and my baby daughter. I hope it doesn't disturb you. I loved her so much. I still do. I think of her and miss her.

I am sad. But I am glad - I have hope. I feel the presence of the Lord, carrying me. I feel loved by friends, neighbors, family, church members, and just so many people. I think I'm going to make it after all. ;)