Mourning Mother's Update

I keep thinking of a song by Janny Grimes (Grines maybe, I'm not sure of her name) that was inspirational to my sister and family when they were going through a difficult time about 18 years ago. I think it was called "Stronger than Before" some of the lines are:

Even though the rain comes down
It brings life into the ground

As the seasons make their turn
There is a lesson here to learn
Broken wings take time to mend
Before they learn to fly again
On the breath of God they'll soar
They'll be stronger than before.

I can't sing that song (the parts I remember) without crying. I just know that God is so good yet I feel pain. It's okay. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I need to cry and be a mess sometimes.

I guess not much has changed since the time of the foolish Galatians. We want to do it on our own. We want to take the beauty of the grace that God has provided and add something. At least I do. I feel like I need to. It is a challenge to just let go and accept God's grace and comfort and realize that it is enough. He has paid the price for my salvation - that is everything, the redemption of my soul, forgiveness of sin, healing of broken heart, and the list goes on - all I have to do is accept his gift.

I'm just publicly giving myself permission to be weak. After all, his power is made perfect in weakness. So today, I am admitting, is a hard day. I miss my baby girl. I saw the most beautiful little newborn girl today at story time. Then when the librarian confronted me with the reality of my $41.20 in library fines it was almost more than I could bear. When we went to the grocery store, I just walked around and cried. When the checkers asked me how I was, I just replied, "Good, thank you. " Was I supposed to say, "I'm not bad for a mother whose heart is broken because I lost my only daughter before I ever got the chance to hear her voice. " ? These are the times when it is okay to be weak. I can muddle through. I miss my Baby Belle.

There are many good days as well. This weekend was fun. Last night, I even realized that despite some moments of intense hatred for my husband, I enjoyed our game of Caylus. There is joy in the journey.

Having children is so fulfilling. There is such a divine sense of purpose in giving your life for future generations. I think that because giving life feels so meaningful, Titus and I both feel a void in our sense of direction. We were planning to be devoted these next months to caring for a small and needy person. Now we have time on our hands. That is a weird sensation. We are seeking God for his best for this season of our lives. It's obviously going to be different than we planned, but we know it will be good. His plans are always for our good.